I’m wondering if everything good has already been invented. These are some of the worst inventions I’ve ever heard of.

Coffee deodorant. Inventor Aaron Burns noted that coffee is a pretty strong smell that will cover up most other smells. So why not use it as an air freshener and deodorant?

Maybe it would help wake you up. There are shampoos that have nicotine in them for the same invigorating purpose. Or maybe smoking cessation has created a surplus of nicotine so they had to put it somewhere.

As appealing as the smell of coffee is, I don’t want to smell it on my armpits. Or on your armpits. Gives new meaning to “wake up and smell the coffee.” Or, “Maxwell House — good to the last sweat drop.”

Tongue writer. A European inventor is working on a messaging system that would work on the tip of a person’s tongue. That way, you could send a message to someone by sticking out your tongue.

I think sticking your tongue out sends a message of its own.

I wonder if the inventor realizes there already is a messaging system on the tongue. It’s called talking. I’m surprised he doesn’t know about that because it’s used way more than it should be.

Double-sized bread. Inventor Aaron Burns again (He’s quite a thinker) wants to see bread slices made twice as wide so you only have to fold it over to make a sandwich.

It makes sense; people already fold a single slice to make half a sandwich. But really, is it so difficult to use two slices to make a full sandwich? Would a double loaf be too doughy in the center?

Mr. Burns is also credited with coming up with the idea of putting tissue paper for nose-blowing on toilet paper rolls.

Perhaps he doesn’t realize that toilet paper is tissue. I realize there is a different texture from facial tissue, but I prefer toilet paper for nose blowing, anyway. Mr. Burns has too much time on his hands.

Self-lighting cigarettes. Do we need an easier way to smoke cigarettes?

Weight-sensitive shopping bags. This idea would tell a consumer whether she has overloaded her bag by emitting a beep. I have experienced the pitfalls of an overloaded shopping bag, but I don’t think I want to pay more for my groceries to cover the costs of this invention.

Black and white glasses. It filters out the color from around you so you view the world in black and white. Some people do that without glasses.

Wet-edged paper. Noting that people sometimes lick their fingers to turn pages in a book, an inventor has suggested paper that is already damp on the edge. It might be more sanitary during a pandemic, but paper and water don’t really mix. After a year or so, one might rename this invention “self-destructing paper.”

Side-to-side rocker. A Canadian inventor wants a rocking chair that goes side-to-side instead of front-to-back.

I’ve noticed on my porch swing that I sometimes like to swing side-to-side, too. Easy solution: sit sideways.

Zipper alarm. This idea would emit a beep when a guy inadvertently left his pants zipper down. A cool breeze pretty much does the same thing.

Umbrellas for your shoes. Or, buy a bigger umbrella for your head. Maybe wear one of those hat umbrellas you can use with no hands. Maybe you could use a hat umbrella and match it with your shoe umbrellas. That would be a good look. Hashtag: sarcasm.

Maybe you could get a drone umbrella. You program it to hover over your head as you walk around. It makes about as much sense as installing mini blinds on your sunglasses. Yep; they have those, too.

A walking sleeping bag. This is a sleeping bag that you can walk around in so you can go from campsite to campsite without having to get out of bed. This is wrong on so many levels. Stay in your own tent, ya perv.

This invention is an especially bad idea for sleepwalkers. I think if you’re a sleepwalker, you don’t want a bag that’s also an enabler.

Computer screen privacy scarf. This thing allows you to view your computer without other people seeing what you’re seeing. It should come with a free FBI profile. If you’re concerned about others seeing your screen, maybe you shouldn’t surf the ’net at the library.

I’m guessing this was invented by the same guy who made the walking sleeping bag.

They say necessity is the mother of invention. Apparently, some inventions are motherless.

© Copyright 2020 by David Porter, who can be reached at porter@ramblinman.us. Do you take cream and sugar in your deodorant?